Have you ever gone to the store to buy someone a present and before you
know it, you are looking at things for yourself?
This happens all the time – we lose our focus and discipline.
Why, before you know it, you are looking at something
expensive and it's not for the person you were shopping for; it's for
you!
At this point, you are feeling guilty; but do you stop, put the item
down, and walk away? Noooooooo! You buy it!!!
 The last time this happened to me, I was in a
store, shopping for a
gift for my husband. Before I knew it, I had stumbled into the ladies'
better dresses department. How did I get here? Right there,
before my eyes, was this beautiful black dress. "Wow, I love
it!” I said. I then started thinking
of the first place I would wear it and immediately thought of the shoes
and jewelry I would wear with it. I then looked at the price
tag. Oh my! Too expensive, I thought.
Our
Inner Dialogues
Such was the dialogue that played out in my
head, like a conversation between two people. Part of me
– which I'll call my "positive side," (because it appears to
be more realistic and rational) said: "Yes, that's an adorable dress,
but you already have a black dress just like it."
Another part of me (which I think is more my ego and we'll call my
"negative side") said: "Oh
no, this one is different, you must have it. Get it now!"
Then they really started arguing. My positive side said "You're running out of time
– isn't your next tennis lesson at 3 pm? You're wasting your
time here – go to the men's department and get your husband
his birthday gift; this is why you went shopping today."
Meanwhile, my negative side said "This
dress probably won't be here later, if you don't get it now. They won't
have your size by then!" To this, my positive
side countered with "If
you get your dress at a later time, I bet it will be half-price."
Feeling ambivalent and frustrated, I didn't know what to do.
My head felt cloudy and I started to feel excessively
hot. Time was running out and I knew I had to make a decision
quickly! If I got the dress, I knew I would feel guilty about
it; if I did not, I would probably regret it.
The problem was, by not taking responsibility for my self-talk (well,
argument); I lost control of myself, the situation, and the battle.
I felt "damned if I did" and "damned if I didn't," both at
the same time! Looking back on that situation, I can clearly
see that my lack of mental control was even affecting how I felt
– not only in the store, but in how I would feel guilty about
the situation afterwards, if I had purchased this piece of clothing. As
it turns out, I was wise not to buy the dress; after leaving the store,
I felt as if I was able to think more clearly and I was glad I had not
been impulsive and bought it.
Self-Talk:
The Feel-Think Correlation
How
we feel about things has a direct
correlation with how we think.
When you are thinking positive thoughts, most likely you will feel in
control, confident, and energized. When you are thinking
negative
thoughts, chances are you will feel out of control, fatigued, tight,
cloudy in your head, and perhaps even nauseous.
 Positive thoughts also have a direct effect on
our physiology and body
language. You never see people with their heads bowed and
their
shoulders slumped, saying that they feel great. Likewise,
when people
stand erect and have positive thoughts and beliefs about themselves,
you automatically respect them. When they go so far as to
project their
positive attitude to you, you immediately and instinctively respect and
like them.
I've seen this self-talk scenario play itself out on many stages,
including work, sports, relationships, and in just about every aspect
of life. As a tennis pro, I have witnessed clients play a
match and
when they are losing, the self-talk in their head takes center stage.
One of my clients (we will call him "Harold") struggled with his
self-confidence. He is an excellent tennis player; he has
played all
his life, as well as competitively as a junior. He always
categorized
himself as "good but not great." Actually, Harold was great,
but when
he missed a few shots and he felt people were watching, he would become
self-conscious. The "negative voice" in his head would get so
loud he
couldn't block it out.  All he would hear was, "Loser!"
His "negative
voice" would remind him of how he was always good, but never good
enough to beat the better players. When people saw him play,
they knew
he was an accomplished player, but when the chips were down he always
beat himself, because he never felt like a winner. His
self-doubt
inevitably led him to lose big matches, which then fueled his belief
that "I don't have it and I never will – I'm just a loser!"
Even as an adult, he was tortured by the same mental thoughts and
feelings that he had had as a kid. He would feel the same
tightness in
his muscles and the worry in his head ("Loser!") repeated
over and over
again, even twenty years later. Harold's belief was not
necessarily
true, but because he held it as true, he made it his truth.
In other words, it was self-fulfilling.
Reprogramming
the Inner Dialogue
When our negative emotions from the past pop
into our heads, they bring with them the same fears and frustrations we
felt when we initially experienced them. These emotions then
affect our
attitude, behavior, and success. We then repeat the negative
experience
all over again, which gives us more confirmation that our negative
voice was right; we ultimately accept the negative belief of ourselves
that comes with it ("see, I KNEW it would turn out bad.")
Harold was able to escape this old programming with my "Victory Dance"
technique (You can learn about this exciting technique in my teen or
adult-version books, which will debut in 2008; The
Victory Dance.)
Harold always felt that he played better when I was coaching him.
Along
with practicing the "Victory Dance" technique, I told Harold that he
had to take some responsibility for his thoughts. The formula
to avoid
choking was to be more aware of his self-talk and then to change the
negative, self-limiting thoughts to positive, uplifting ones.
We all
talk to ourselves (whether we realize it or not), but the real question
is: Are you getting the results you want? If not, then you
need to
reprogram your beliefs. You do this by changing your
thoughts. By being
more aware of your thoughts, you can shift your mindset and your focus,
which will then change your behavior to suit the situation and bring
about more success.
Happiness
and success – isn't that what we all want?
 Well, if that's so, then why not coach yourself
to think happy,
positive, and successful thoughts? Easier said than done,
thought
Harold. No doubt, this can appear to be tricky at first, but
with
practice you will find (like Harold did) that by talking to yourself
like a third person, as if you were talking to your best friend or as
if you were mentoring or coaching someone, you will be more patient,
objective, and understanding with yourself. By being more aware of your
inner dialogue, you will soon become more aware of your negative voice
and your positive one.
The Power
of Positive Self-Talk
 For me, I find the best way to combat my
negative voice is to talk back to it. To avoid things getting
out of
control, I fight back with words such as, "Wait a minute –
you don't know what you're talking about!" and "Stop – I
don't need your help." It might initially seem
ridiculous to talk back
to yourself (especially on a crowded subway car!), but you must try it
before you refuse to believe it will work for you. Remember:
You are
talking to yourself anyway, so why not talk to yourself in a way that
will make you feel better and help you perform better? Talk
to yourself
like a caring person who has your best interests at heart. (And, of
course, you do!) Pretend you are talking to a third person
–
someone whom you want to protect, encourage, and guide.
What I say to myself is not necessarily what you will say to yourself,
but the common denominator is that we are both motivating ourselves
according to what personally encourages us. Naturally, you
will say the
right thing, because you know more than anyone else about what
motivates you best.
For example, one client I know encourages himself by talking to himself
in a very cut-and-dried way. Another client uses a more
diplomatic
approach, using more encouraging and motivating affirmations such as:
 "I have confidence in my
abilities; I
can do this!"
"Everything is going
to be all right."
"Every day and in
every way, my life
just keeps getting better and better."
"No one can take away
my power."
Play around with what words and phrases work best for you. There have
been times when I have been in public and someone has said something
rude. At the moment, I might feel tired and initially my
negative side
wants to lash out at them, but since I am aware of my inner dialogue, I
usually take a deep breath to settle myself physically and then I say
to myself, "Let it go,
this is not a big deal." Before I know it, I
have changed the dynamics of the situation and perhaps even prevented a
fight. By staying calm and in control, I am then (usually
within a
short period of time) able to see why that person may have been rude:
Either they were in a hurry, they are insecure, or that (unfortunately)
is the way they treat everyone.
When I hear my negative voice taking center stage in my head, or when I
feel under pressure, I immediately know that it has to do with a
negative experience I had in the past. I also know, however,
that I
don't have to let it become a repeat experience or a self-fulfilling
prophecy. Good memories can be used to motivate us and
encourage
similar emotions and behavior, but we have the power through self-talk
to change unpleasant experiences and not repeat them over and over and
over again.
A
Noticeable Difference
 I know of a tennis client who starts her busy
day by smiling in the mirror and saying to herself, "It's going to be a
great day today." Not only is she generally
happy when I see her, but
she usually brings happiness to all the people she encounters during
the day. It's amazing how her thoughts affect her appearance as well:
She usually looks radiant, as though she has just come back from a
vacation. She's usually smiling, and even if she is not
smiling, she
has a pleasant look on her face. She holds her body in a
relaxed and
poised manner. She also has a little bounce in her step.
Now, I'm not saying that by looking in the mirror and saying "It's
going to be a great day" that you are guaranteed to have a
great day;
what I am saying is that what you say to yourself has a direct effect
on your physiology and how you react to things. Chances are,
with this
type of positive thinking and daily reinforcement; you will not be
bothered by petty people or situations you encounter throughout the
day. The self-fulfillment works both ways.
Many professional athletes will attest to the fact that self-talk not
only builds up their confidence, but it helps them stay relaxed, and it
also helps them perceive situations in a more optimistic and positive
way. So, whether you are on the tennis court or on the
playing field of
life, you have the power to take responsibility for your thoughts and
alter your environment.
The next time someone acts like a jerk, instead of reacting without
conscious awareness, why not choose your thoughts? Instead of
reacting
with an expletive or stooping down to his or her level, why not respond
with words or thoughts that will help you stay relaxed and in control
of the situation? Just because some little jerk is throwing
out venom,
it doesn't mean that you have to catch it. Instead, let it
pass by.
Choose thoughts such as, "Let it go" or say "I'm letting this go in one
ear and out the other." Picture it as literal grey smoke
that goes in
one ear out the other, and back towards the person who gave it to you
– "return to sender"! If you do something stupid,
which we
all do occasionally, don't lambaste yourself for it; if you find that
you are mentally berating yourself, don't be afraid to tell that
negative voice to "Back
off!" If you can laugh at your own mistakes,
then you're really ahead of the game.
Some Final
(and Positive!) Thoughts
Remember:
Give yourself the same
inspirational
words and support
that you would give a best friend.
For example, when
you are losing in basketball and you can't hit the side of a barn let
alone the rim of the basket, remind yourself not panic. Say
to
yourself, "I am relaxed
and in control."
And finally, when you are in the store and looking at an expensive
piece of electronics (or an expensive dress), instead of letting your
positive and negative sides fight over it like a back-and-forth tennis
match, listen instead to the positive voice and take action –
walk away. By walking away, you break the spell that the
negative voice
has over you. Then, when you are away from the temptation and
feel good
about it, you will have confirmation that you did do the right thing
after all.
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